The book, Still Alice, had been on my reading list for a while. I still haven’t gotten to it because I have 32 books loaded on my Kindle to read right now. This weekend I saw that the movie was on Starz though, so I decided to watch it. It terrified me. As a person who is currently struggling with memory issues and “significant memory slowdown” I am afraid of what this will mean for my family and me. Mostly my family. If my memory problems progress to a significant loss of lifestyle the ones who suffer will be my immediate family, not me. Hell, I won’t always realize what is going on.
The hardest part is right now, while I do know what is happening. It sucks to feel stupid and unable to process things quickly. Some days are great, and I can tear through work. Other days it is like I am underwater and tied down or I ask the same thing over and over. I’ve been referred to the Memory Diagnostic Center at Barnes in St. Louis so I am confident that they can help me. I was told I will be one of the youngest patients. Sigh. I don’t feel that is a compliment. Maybe it is related to one of my autoimmune diseases and can be resolved or slowed. Fingers crossed.
I’ve watched my vocabulary shrink, I’ve missed many weddings, appointments, due dates and more because I can’t remember things. Even with reminders I sometimes forget. I left my Apple watch at home this morning which is a huge assistance to me in daily life. It reminds me to take my meds, to pick up my grandchild from daycare, what’s on my shopping list, etc. I’m lucky because I just have bad days but I am still 100% independent and not facing physical harm because of the ongoing problems. I’m not going to wander out into the street in the middle of the night or leave the stove on. The question lurking in the back of my head is, “will it come to that one day?”