Having memory issues is a scary thing. I forget appointments and events; I forget to go to the grocery store, pay bills, etc. I bought my first daily planner ever, a Day Designer. I used to use weekly planners because it was the most efficient for me. Now I have to write down everything so daily is the way to go. I like the simplicity of it. It has the sections I need but isn’t fussy so I’m not distracted,
My birthday was Saturday. My husband bought me what I have been dying to have, an Amazon Echo, and I love it. I already have it set up to turn off some lights. I set timers for cooking and reminders to turn off the stove. I add items to the grocery list while I’m in the kitchen looking in the pantry. I tell it where my keys are when I get home and it remembers for me. God, what a handy fucking tool for me,
I also have an Apple watch. My Dr. suggested it for reminders about medication and appointments. It has helped tremendously. It just gives me reminders until I complete the task. It also has a breathing app so I can remember to slow down and focus.
I use Grammarly and Lingofy for spelling and grammar while I write to maintain my previous level of ability. They don’t catch every mistake but proofreading helps too, as I recognize the error even if it takes a bit to figure it out. I also use the Lingofy AP guidebook for professional questions while I work, rather than second guess it.
My vocabulary and IQ are still high, my memory processing speed is the biggest hit right now which means it takes me longer to do the same tasks. Sometimes following a sewing pattern pisses me off-putting sleeves on incorrectly or the like. Of course, I did those things before and laughed them off. I’m so much harder on myself now. Long, productive days are exhausting. I come home wiped out just from concentrating so hard.
There’s hope, I haven’t been diagnosed yet, so perhaps I have a reversible or manageable problem. Then again, maybe I have dementia. At 48 fucking years old. No matter what, I want an answer to my problems, whether the outcome is desirable or not. I’ll tell you this, I never had a honeymoon or even a vacation with my husband and if the clock is ticking on my brain, that will be priority one. I want to make as many great memories for me and my family while I can.
The book, Still Alice, had been on my reading list for a while. I still haven’t gotten to it because I have 32 books loaded on my Kindle to read right now. This weekend I saw that the movie was on Starz though, so I decided to watch it. It terrified me. As a person who is currently struggling with memory issues and “significant memory slowdown” I am afraid of what this will mean for my family and me. Mostly my family. If my memory problems progress to a significant loss of lifestyle the ones who suffer will be my immediate family, not me. Hell, I won’t always realize what is going on.
The hardest part is right now, while I do know what is happening. It sucks to feel stupid and unable to process things quickly. Some days are great, and I can tear through work. Other days it is like I am underwater and tied down or I ask the same thing over and over. I’ve been referred to the Memory Diagnostic Center at Barnes in St. Louis so I am confident that they can help me. I was told I will be one of the youngest patients. Sigh. I don’t feel that is a compliment. Maybe it is related to one of my autoimmune diseases and can be resolved or slowed. Fingers crossed.
I’ve watched my vocabulary shrink, I’ve missed many weddings, appointments, due dates and more because I can’t remember things. Even with reminders I sometimes forget. I left my Apple watch at home this morning which is a huge assistance to me in daily life. It reminds me to take my meds, to pick up my grandchild from daycare, what’s on my shopping list, etc. I’m lucky because I just have bad days but I am still 100% independent and not facing physical harm because of the ongoing problems. I’m not going to wander out into the street in the middle of the night or leave the stove on. The question lurking in the back of my head is, “will it come to that one day?”
Sometimes it’s hard to grow older and still feel sexy. You don’t have a completely flat stomach anymore, especially after a hysterectomy. You might have to keep your hair short because it falls out and you can’t always keep your hands up to brush it out if it is long and curly, your hands aren’t working or whatever that day. Maybe it isn’t growing older, maybe it’s the chronic pain that makes me feel less sexy. I still have a lot of laughing and love left so I’m sure the feeling will return. It’s just been a rough week. A nice hot bath and bottle of wine tonight should fix me up. Time for some self-care. The holidays are devoted to others and I forget about me.
Oh, Ferris, you were a wise young man. Since March I have lost my job, started another job, gotten a breast reduction, had my son get married, had my husband lose his job and start another job, had a friend attempt suicide and come out of the closet. Damn. Ain’t that some shit? At the end of the day, we are all still here and standing strong.
In addition, two of my former coworkers and sister-wives, have moved. Either they or their spouse has found employment elsewhere than this state with a huge mess on its hands. It’s heartbreaking to lose people I love for issues out of our control.
All I know is that at the end of the day, I am more grateful than ever for time I have. Life really does move fast-if you blink you might miss it.
I’ve been listening to Marie Kondo’s book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. It has got me going through my closets doing some organizing. I’ve done only my clothes and have at least two trash bags. I imagine before all is said and done I will be amazed at everything I get rid of. While undergoing this project I decided to work on creating a more cohesive closet. It seems that I have a bunch of things that don’t go with much or are so worn they need to be tossed. I’ve been whittling down to fewer colors so I create a basic capsule wardrobe and build from there. The bonus is that the fabric I already have to sew all falls in this palette so it will be much easier.
I ordered some new leather last night to make my husband a planner cover for his Field Notes and some to make myself a new bag and some notebook covers for the store. Look at that beautiful orchid color. Ugh, so in love with it. Yes, it will go with my pared down wardrobe too. I was thinking ahead.
Have any of you Konmari’d your life or created a capsule wardrobe?